I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
