Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Randomize
