he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
