Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
