Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
