Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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