I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
two words: eviction party
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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