i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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