i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
