The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
