They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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