Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
