i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize