it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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