i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Found the puke drawer
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
