she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize