I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
