Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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