Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
