omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
