I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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