he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
