One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
