I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I didn't notice because vodka
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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