You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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