I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
