Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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