I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
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