me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
