Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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