I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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