just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
