You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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