he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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