Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
you inspire me to be a worse person
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
