i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
