oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
3pm strippers are depressing
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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