Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
