I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Sorry about my life...
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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