No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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