You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
My cat gives me a boner
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
