sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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