I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
