Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
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