If i come over, it means nothing
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
