How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
