I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Randomize
