She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
