When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
