Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize