My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
