im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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