My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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