you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
