shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
