My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
