I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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