Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
