Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
