And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize