is your mom at the bar?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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